


The Rescue of Body and Mind

by dragonflyMerri



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Rape and torture, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-08
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-11-03 07:03:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/378633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonflyMerri/pseuds/dragonflyMerri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It took two months before Arthur and the Knights found and rescued Merlin. But the rescue of his body was only the first step. Could Merlin ever escape the damage to his mind and the terrible horror that lingered there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Rescue

Arthur and the knights fought their way silently to the dungeons. Keeping to the shadows and counting on ambushing the guards, they managed to make their way to the dungeons without raising the alarm.  
“Spread out – find him” whispered Arthur urgently.

Like deadly shadows, the knights fanned out and checked all the cells down all the halls. Most were empty; occasionally they found a prisoner, but not him. Arthur was desperate; their informant said he was here. The knights all came back shaking their heads – they hadn’t found him either. 

Suddenly they heard a muffled sound. Frantically they looked around, searching for the noise, a keening sound like an animal in pain.

“Here” said Gwaine as he bolted down a blackened corridor they had missed. 

As they got closer they could hear more sounds. Gutteral mutterings, the crack of a whip, the keening noise abruptly cut off, a scrambling and a cry of alarm. They rounded a corner and they saw a single cell illuminated by a flickering torch, the door open. A harsh laugh came from a guard, on his knees and hunched over his victim.

“Stop squirming ye bloody rag” he grunted as his victim tried to scurry away on hands and knees, trying to escape. The guard grabbed a leg and dragged the victim back under him. “Hold still”.

“Get off him” Arthur roared as he raised his sword. 

The guard looked up in time to see the sword flash down, slicing his throat. The victim scrambled away to the furthest corner, curling himself into a ball, trying desperately to hide when there was no place to hide.

“It’s him” said Gwaine as he approached the victim. Kneeling down, Gwaine softened his voice “Merlin. It’s alright now Merlin, we’ve come to take you home.” Gwaine stretched out a tentative hand and touched Merlin’s arm.

Merlin reacted like a terrified animal, pressing himself even further into the corner, turning his face to the wall, eyes squeezed shut, gasping for breath.

Arthur knelt down next to Gwaine “It’s OK Merlin, you’re safe now” he said gently, reaching out and pulling Merlin away from the wall. It was a struggle, but he managed to get his arms around the frail body and pull him back into the centre of the cell. Arthur passed Merlin to Gwaine, knowing the chainmail he wore would cut exposed skin. Gwaine wore only his leather coat. Merlin’s body curled up tight, his head buried in his arms. By the flame of the torch they could see his clothes were little more than rags. Through the rips, they saw cuts and bruises, welts and raw, ragged wounds. Around his neck he wore an iron collar. Around his wrists, iron cuffs cut into the skin.

“Merlin, we’re going to get you out. Come on, you need to stand up” Arthur spoke softly, trying to pry him out of the tight, trembling clench of his body, but Merlin wouldn’t let go. Giving up, Arthur put his hand under Merlin’s chin and gently tried to lift his head. “It’s Arthur, Merlin. I’ve come for you. I told you I would always come for you”.

Slowly Arthur raised Merlin’s face and as the light fell on it, as one, the knights stopped breathing.

“Gods Almighty, what did they do to him?” gasped Gwaine.

Lancelot shook his head “Oh Merlin, my poor friend”.

“Merlin” moaned Elyan.

Percival chocked back a roar or anger.

Arthur froze as he stared at the bruised and battered face that was all but unrecognizable. Merlin’s eyes were blackened, one was swollen shut with a raw cut that just barely missed the eye itself’. His lips were bruised and cut in several places. Angry bruising covered both cheeks, and his face was covered in dried blood from his injured nose. A cut that started on his forehead and disappeared into this hair had stopped bleeding, but was raw and filled with pus.

Tenderly Arthur stroked Merlin’s face as tears welled in his eyes “I’m so sorry Merlin, I’m so sorry”.

“We have to go, sire” It was Lancelot who broke the spell of disbelief. “We have to get him away from here before they find us”.

Arthur nodded, looked up at Percival. Without a word, Percival stooped down and gently pulled Merlin from Gwaine’s arms. Gwaine took off his coat and wrapped it around Merlin’s shoulders, then Percival picked up Merlin. The boy had always been light, but after two months in the dungeons, he weighed nothing more than a feather. 

Silently the knights retraced their steps, stealing into the woods where they had concealed the horses.

Gwaine mounted his horse, then slid back off the saddle. “Pass him to me” he instructed Percival. Percival handed Merlin up to sit side-saddle, cradled in Gwaine’s arms. In silence, the other men mounted their horses and they rode into the woods, away from the terror of the dungeons.

***

They had been travelling for a few hours before Arthur called for a stop. “We should be safe here. We need to tend to his wounds”. 

Percival came over and Gwaine slid Merlin’s unresisting body into his arms. The ride had taken its toll and Merlin had passed into unconsciousness and had not woken up. Elyan had spread his clock on the ground and Percival set Merlin upon it gently.

“Lancelot – get some water and cloth. Elyan, see to the horses and make camp. Percival, secure the area. Gwaine, help me with Merlin. I have an extra shirt and breeches in my saddlebag, get them.”

The knights tended to their appointed duties, as Arthur stripped off his armor and chainmail, then sat down beside the prone body of his servant. 

“It’s a blessing he’s unconscious” said Lancelot as he returned with several flasks of water and rags made from tearing up one of his own shirts. “I have some unguent that will help sooth his wounds”

Gwaine returned with the clothing “I have your shirt, but my breeches – they’ll fit him better”.

Arthur nodded “Help me with him”.

Together the three men gently lifted Merlin and removed his tattered shirt. The damage they saw made them all grit their teeth in anger. Merlin had been whipped and beaten so many times there were layers of injuries on his body. His wrists were raw from manacles he worn. As softly as they could, they sponged his face and body, trying to remove as much blood as possible, trying to assess the damage. Even unconscious, Merlin flinched when some of his deeper wounds were treated. The iron collar and cuffs would have to remain until they got to Camelot and could have them properly removed.

Then they put him into the clean shirt and lowered him gently back onto the cloak. Gwaine undid the ties of Merlin’s breeches and started to pull them off. Suddenly Merlin began to fight, gasping sobs escaping from his torn lips.

“For gods sake, hold him still Arthur,” said Gwaine as he and Lancelot tried to calm Merlin’s legs. Arthur threw himself across Merlin’s chest, trying to be careful not to injure him more, but needing to use his bodyweight to hold Merlin still. He reached up and stroked Merlin’s face “It’s ok Merlin, we’re just trying to help you. It’s ok.”  
The combined strength of the three knights was too much for Merlin and with a cry of despair, he sank back into unconsciousness. Gwaine swiftly pulled off the tattered breeches. His cry of angry disbelief pulled Arthur’s head around.

“Oh Gods have mercy.” Lancelot’s voice broke and he dropped his face into his hand to cover his eyes.

“No!” Arthur moaned and dropped his head. “Merlin, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry”.

“They raped him. They fucking raped him,” gasped Gwaine, not bothering to hide his angry tears.

Merlin was covered in blood, bite marks that had pierced the skin marked his thighs, pelvis and buttocks. Cuts, scratches, whip marks and angry hand-shaped bruises told a tale of months of abuse.

Arthur grabbed a wet cloth and started wiping up the blood, barely seeing through his tears “I’m so sorry, Merlin, oh Gods, I am so sorry” he kept repeating. Gwaine and Lancelot each took up a cloth, and the three men worked to clean their friend as best as they could. Then they carefully pulled on the clean breeches.

When Merlin was dressed, Lancelot grabbed his cloak and laid it over him.

Gwaine got up and walked over to his horse. Reaching into his saddlebag, he pulled out a flask and took a long drink. Then he walked back to Arthur and handed him the flask. “Drink – you need this”. Arthur didn’t question the action, just took the flask and took a long drink of the mead, then passed it on to Lancelot.

“We should have fucking killed them all” said Gwaine.

***

It was a silent camp. The knights sat around the fire, each immersed in their own thoughts. The silence was only broken by Gwaine’s occasional string of swearing. Arthur sat in silence beside this servant who had become a friend and so much more, staring at his battered face and making silent promises of revenge. Lancelot sat on the other side of Merlin, his lips moving silently in prayers for Merlin’s recovery.

Elyan came over again and handed Arthur a beaker “Try to get him to have some more, he needs his strength.”

With Lancelot’s help, Arthur raised Merlin’s shoulders and slowly drizzled the broth between his lips. Merlin swallowed in reflex, not out of need. When the cup was empty, they lowered him back down.

“I’ll take first watch” said Percival “You should all get some rest”.

The knights nodded but no one moved to rest. They passed the night in silence, watching the fire die down and keeping watch over their friend.


	2. Awakening

It was dark when Merlin finally awoke. Somewhere, there was a dull glow as he looked up unseeingly at the canopy of trees overhead. He hurt all over, but he was used to that. It just meant that he was still alive and still trapped in his own personal hell. He stretched out one leg slowly, and let out a groan as pain shot up his thigh.

The shadow of a man loomed over him and suddenly the horror drowned him all over again. Ignited by terror, he struck out frantically, cries tearing from his throat as he fought to get away. His legs became tangled as something wrapped around them, and the man became real, trying to trap his arms. Merlin clawed at the face and he begged in gasping sobs “No…please….no more…please…..please….no more….please….”

Merlin’s cries tore at Arthur’s heart as he tried to control his terrified friend. “It’s Arthur. Merlin – it’s Arthur. You’re safe now, you’re safe Merlin. It’s Arthur.”

Arthur kept repeating the words until Merlin’s strength gave way and he collapsed in helpless sobs. Arthur gathered Merlin up in his arms and held him, rocking him, repeating the words over and over “You’re safe now, Merlin…. it’s Arthur…..you’re safe now, Merlin”. Arthur’s tears soaked into Merlin’s hair.

Around them, the knights knelt in a ring. Each of them sharing in the agony of their friend. Lancelot was now openly praying, asking God’s mercy for his friend. Elyan kept shaking his head, whispering “My friend…my friend”. Gwaine was quietly but fiercely muttering every curse he could think of against Merlin’s captors. Percival stared silently in deadly resolution, vowing he would not let the men who had hurt Merlin escape his retribution.

It was a long time before Merlin’s sobs calmed to silent tears. Tremors shook his body and Arthur gathered the cloak up around his friend. He didn’t loosen his grip, but kept Merlin tucked under his chin. Nor did he stop his reassurance. “You’re safe now Merlin….it’s Arthur…you’re safe now”. 

Gradually, Arthur became aware of a terrible stillness that overcame Merlin. Relaxing his hold slightly, he looked down into Merlin’s face. Merlin was staring at the fire. “Merlin?” Arthur asked tentatively. “Merlin…do you know where you are? We’re here Merlin, you’re safe now”.

Merlin shook his head slowly. A solitary tear traced its way down his cheek. “You didn’t come,” he whispered hoarsely. “You didn’t come”.

The condemnation tore like a knife through Arthur’s heart. “I’m sorry Merlin, I’m sorry we didn’t find you sooner. We looked for you. We never stopped looking for you.”  
But Merlin just kept shaking his head in rejection and repeating his litany. “You didn’t come…you didn’t come”.

“Sire please, he needs to rest. You both do” Lancelot reached out and carefully removed Merlin from a devastated Arthur. He laid Merlin down and covered him with the cloak. Merlin curled on his side, his back to Arthur, tucking into the defensive position that was now habit.

“Merlin my friend,” said Lancelot softly, as he brushed back Merlin’s hair from his damp face. “Merlin, we never gave up. We looked for you always. We never stopped looking for you. I’m sorry we never found you sooner, but we never stopped looking. We never stopped looking for you Merlin”.

Merlin looked up into Lancelot’s eyes, the first time he had looked directly at any of them. Lancelot smiled a soft smile “We would never have stopped looking until we found you”.

The two friends stared at each other until understanding was reached. Merlin nodded once, then reached out a hand to Lancelot. Lancelot took his hand and felt Merlin’s fingers curl tightly around his. 

“Don’t leave me,” Merlin begged in a whisper.

Lancelot nodded “I’ll stay with you. I will guard you with my life. No one will ever harm you again. Understand?” Merlin nodded. “Sleep now Merlin. I’ll stay here with you” Lancelot watched as Merlin closed his eyes, and his body finally relaxed in a deep, healing sleep.

***

Sounds of movement woke Merlin. Instinctively he kept still, listening to the sounds, but they weren’t the sounds he had come to dread. Cautiously he peered out from lowered lashes and realized he was in the woods, and the sounds were the sounds of men moving around camp. He slowly opened his eyes and allowed himself to relax into awareness. A pair of legs came into view and when they knelt down beside him, Lancelot’s kind face peered down at him.

“Awake now?” he asked with a smile.

Merlin nodded and carefully stretched out his body, grimacing at the aches and shooting pains. Lancelot reached out to steady him and help him sit up.  
“The privy is that way” he said, tilting his head to the left.

Merlin stared at the bushes and trees and nodded.

“I’ll stand guard. You’ll be fine – unless you need my help?”

“No!” Merlin looked at Lancelot warily through his one opened eye. His other eye was still swollen shut.

As Merlin got up and Lancelot helped him into the bushes, the others all looked up to assess him, their faces tightening as they saw his injuries in the light of day.

Merlin returned from relieving himself in the bushes, he shuffled stiffly over to the fire. Gwaine looked up from his breakfast then patted a seat beside him. Merlin carefully lowered himself down and sat silently, staring into the fire, one hand curled defensively against his lips.

“You know, I’ve seen you look better,” said Gwaine conversationally. Merlin looked startled, glancing at Gwaine out of the corner of his eye “I really don’t think black and blue, with highlights of purple and yellow, are your colours, my friend,” he finished.

It took a moment, but a small smile stretched across Merlin’s face, then immediately a grimace as his smile split open one of the cuts on his lip.

“I’ll have you know there’s a kitchen maid who thinks I’m quite handsome,” said Merlin quietly.

“Well, I don’t think she’d be much pleased with the looks of you now” Gwaine threw Merlin a sideways glance. “But if it’s a handsome man she’s looking for, perhaps you could show her my way.” And with that, Gwaine did his trademark slow toss of his hair.

An unexpected bark of laughter burst out of Merlin, a laugh that immediately changed to a groan as he held a hand up to his now bleeding lip.

The sound lightened the hearts of every man there.

Elyan walked up and handed Merlin a bowl. “Here, eat up – you need to get your strength back”.

Merlin accepted the bowl gratefully “Thank you Elyan.” He took a deep, appreciative sniff of the food. “You’re a much better cook then Gaius.”

Elyan snorted “I’ve heard about Gaius’ cooking – that’s not much of a compliment!”

Lancelot sat down beside Merlin, “You’re looking much better today”. The two men exchanged a look of true friendship and understanding. 

“Thank you - for being there,” Merlin said shyly.

Lancelot smiled back and gently stroked Merlin's hair. "After breakfast, I'll put some more unguent on your cuts."

“Hey now, don’t forget the bloke who let you ride side-saddle” said Gwaine, aiming a gentle poke at Merlin.

“Side-saddle. Right. Not something I’d want spread around,” muttered Merlin, a blush tinting his cheeks.

“Side-saddle and cradled in my tender arms!” emphasized Gwaine.

“Oh gods, I’ll never live that down, will I?”

“Could do – if you introduce me to that willing kitchen maid.”

“Kitchen maid?” asked Lancelot casually. “Is that old, warty Delores who keeps trying to fatten you up?”

Gwaine spewed out a mouthful of food then proceeded to choke. Merlin just caught the wink that Lancelot gave, before he reached over to slap Gwaine on the back. 

Lowering his head, Merlin muttered. “I never said she was a young and pretty maid”. 

Gwaine glared at him as he wiped his mouth.

“Merlin” Percival stood before him “I’ve fixed my saddle to make it easier for you to ride. You’ll ride my horse. I’ll walk.”

Merlin looked over in alarm at the massive beast that Percival rode. “Don’t worry Merlin” said Percival “I’ll be by his lead. I won’t let anything happen to you”.

Merlin nodded his thanks and held out a hand to shake Percival’s. He regretted it a few moments later as his hand was encompassed in Percival’s giant paw.

Sitting on the opposite side of the fire, Arthur watched the kindness of his knights putting Merlin at ease and welcoming him back into their fold. Merlin had studiously avoided Arthur since he had woken up, wouldn’t even look in his direction. He could feel Merlin’s rejection and anger directed at him and he couldn’t think of a thing to say that would make it go away.


	3. Journey Home

The knights took turns riding beside Merlin, while the others rode in formation, keeping him always in the centre. Whoever was riding companion kept up a steady chatter to stop him from lapsing into his memories. The only one who was not part of the protection circle was Arthur. It was obvious to everyone that Merlin shied away from any contact with Arthur – wouldn’t look at him, answered him in whispered monosyllables, cringed when Arthur came anywhere close to him. Arthur took to riding in the lead and trusted that his knights would protect and care for Merlin. But while his eyes were on the road ahead, he listened for every sound Merlin made.

Despite their efforts, there were often long stretches when Merlin’s pinched face and dull, unfocused gaze let them know that he was once again, mentally back in his cell. They took breaks whenever they noted the strain of the ride wearing on Merlin’s injured body. With every break, Percival helped Merlin to dismount, and Merlin all but collapsed on the ground. He took every opportunity to curl up and close his eyes, and the knights waited while he tried to regain his strength. But as the day wore on, it became obvious that Merlin was in no condition to ride by himself. Arthur had set a slow pace for travelling, but even that was taking its toll. Merlin lapsed more and more frequently into an unfocused state and the pallor of his face beneath the bruises spoke of the pain he was experiencing. 

Arthur halted the travel early and the knights made camp while there was still plenty of daylight. While they set up camp, someone was always with Merlin. Even when he relieved himself, someone stood guard. Elyan persuaded Merlin to go to the stream to wash and as they walked off, Arthur’s eyes followed Merlin. It tore him apart to see how broken and hurt Merlin was, not just his body, but his spirit.

Lancelot came over to stand with Arthur. 

“He’ll come around, Arthur” said Lancelot, noting how Arthur’s eyes never left Merlin. “He’s suffering. He needs someone to blame. But he’ll come around. You need to stay strong for him.”

Arthur turned away, to hide the anguish he felt. “I promised him that I would protect him, that I would never let any harm come to him.” His voice was defeated. “I failed him Lancelot. There’s no way he could have protected himself in that prison. The things he’s been through…the things they did to him...” Arthur’s voice cut off with a choke.  
“You can’t blame yourself Arthur. We found him…”

“Not in time!” Arthur whirled around to face Lancelot, his face a mask of fury. “It’s my fault he was captured! It’s my fault he was held and tortured in that stinking prison! I didn’t protect him – I promised, but I didn’t protect him!”

Lancelot shook his head “You were lucky to have survived that attack yourself! There were too many of them. You were barely alive when we found you, but you killed so many of the enemy. It was just you and Merlin, Arthur, and there were too many of them. This was not your fault. Merlin is blaming you enough, don’t add your own blame to the burden you’re carrying. We have him back. Now, we have to make him well, and for that, you need to be strong and you need to take his anger so he can release it. He’s not strong enough to carry so much hurt. You need to be strong for him so that when the time comes, you can carry his burden for him” Lancelot put an arm on Arthur’s shoulder and gave him a squeeze of reassurance “He needs you Arthur. He will need you to be strong, and he will need you to help him build back his dignity and his self-worth. We, the rest of us, we can offer him friendship and comfort, but only you can give him back himself.”

Arthur choked back tears and he stared off in the direction of the stream. Merlin and Elyan were coming back. “If you only knew what he means to me,” he whispered.

“I do know. We all know. That’s why we’re here with you, why we have been looking for him, with you.” Arthur looked at Lancelot and his heart was laid open in his eyes. “Never stop loving him Arthur. Don’t give up on him, because it is going to be your love that will help him to survive this. Be strong. For Merlin.”

Lancelot turned and walked away. Arthur felt a renewed hope and resolution. When the time came, he would be ready.

Merlin returned to camp and immediately collapsed into the bed that Gwaine and Percival had made by laying boughs for a mattress and covering it with a cloak. He was asleep before his head was down and all the men noted how he drew his body up into a protective curl. Lancelot laid his cloak on top of Merlin and they let him rest until food was ready. 

Lancelot woke Merlin gently, but Merlin still woke with a retreating start and a cry of distress before he realized he was safe. He ate the offered food and immediately lay down and fell back into a deep sleep.

“I’m worried” said Gwaine, looking over at Merlin’s sleeping form. “We’re travelling too slowly, but we can’t go any faster – he’ll never survive it.”

“He’s got a fever” noted Lancelot “He shouldn’t be travelling at all. His wounds need treating.”

Arthur nodded in agreement. “Elyan – I want you to ride to Camelot as fast as you can. Tell Gaius about Merlin. Tell him to meet us with a cart and medicine. We’ll bring Merlin as close as we can, but Gwaine’s right, he’ll never make it to Camelot riding a horse.”

Elyan nodded and prepared to leave immediately. In a few minutes, he was off at a gallop.

“I’ll carry him on my horse” stated Gwaine. “He can ride behind me. Percival – can you fashion some sort of padding for him?”

Percival nodded then headed off to start the task.

“We have to do something to help him” Arthur looked at Gwaine and Lancelot. “Do either of you know anything about the herbs that we can give him?”

“Merlin’s the one who knows herbs,” pointed out Gwaine

“All we can do is keep him warm and hope the fever breaks,” added Lancelot. “Gwaine and I will sleep on either side of him. We can watch over him.”

 

Merlin’s fever grew worse as the night wore on and he became delirious. Lancelot and Gwaine tried to sooth him, but he pushed them away with cries of rejection. As the fever mounted, Merlin began calling out, at first incoherently, but then he kept repeating one word over and over – “Arthur”.

Arthur took Lancelot’s place beside Merlin, took over the duty of wiping his brow. And he kept up a soft patter of reassurance and conversation. He dropped in the occasional jibe at Merlin, a gentle verbal prodding, trying to reach him in his delirium. Eventually Merlin calmed and his head fell to the side in sleep. Arthur tried not to read anything into the fact that Merlin’s head had turned away from him and his touch.


	4. Good Friends

Merlin never woke up from his fever the next morning. Arthur and the knights broke camp quickly. Gwaine and Lancelot took turns cradling an unconscious Merlin in their arms as they rode back to Camelot. By the time they met Elyan returning with Gaius and a cart, Merlin was as pale as anyone had ever seen him, his body racked with shivering despite being wrapped in a cloak, his breathing ragged and rasping. Lancelot handed Merlin down to Percival’s waiting arms, and Percival transferred him into the cart.

“Lay him down carefully on his stomach,” instructed Gaius, obviously informed about the extent of Merlin’s injuries.

When Percival pulled his arms away, they were covered in blood. One arm accounted for the blood on Merlin’s back, but it was the alarming amount of blood on the other arm that frightened them all.

“I was afraid of this,” Gaius shook his head. “He should never have been on a horse – not with the type of injuries he’s sustained.”

“We had to get him back to Camelot…” Arthur defended.

“I’m not laying blame, Sire, just stating a fact. Merlin has obviously received deep internal injuries due to his – punishment – at the hands of his captives. No doubt they were rough and forceful, and the riding has jarred these injuries.”

“Gaius, he was fine yesterday,: Gwaine interrupted. “He could move around. He talked with us, joked with us…”

“He was still on survival mode – running on remaining adrenalin. Once he realized he was safe again, his body relaxed, his defenses shut down. And the horse riding aggravated his injuries.” 

“Gaius, please. He can’t die. Help him.” Arthur begged.

“I’ll do what I can, Arthur.” Gaius noted the iron collar and cuffs. “We have to get these irons removed as soon as possible. Merlin will never heal with them on.”

“I’ll have a blacksmith come by to remove them once he’s stable, but you have to…”

“No Arthur, these have to come off immediately – as soon as we arrive in Camelot!” Gaius glared up at Arthur. He had seen the marking on the collar and cuffs. He couldn’t tell Arthur that the iron bondage was charmed and blocked Merlin’s magic. “Even though he’s unconscious, he can feel the bondage of the collar and cuffs – they have to be removed immediately for Merlin to start his mental recovery, for him to fight his way back.”

“Alright.” Arthur turned to Elyan. “As soon as we get in sight of Camelot, ride ahead and get the blacksmith. Explain the problem and have him meet us in Gaius’ chambers.”

“Arthur, I used to be a blacksmith. I’ll remove Merlin’s irons,” Elyan reminded them all.

Arthur nodded his agreement.

“Thank you Sire,” Gaius nodded then climbed into the cart with Merlin. Gwaine tied his horse to the back of the cart and took up the rains of the team pulling the cart.

“Gwaine set the pace – as fast as you can without hurting Merlin,” Arthur instructed. Gwaine set the horses to a trot, receiving a nod of agreement from Gaius.

Word that Merlin had been found had spread around the castle. When the riders and cart arrived in the courtyard, it was crowded with servants awaiting his arrival. Their excited buzz faded to a stunned silence as they saw his unconscious form in the wagon. When Percival reached into the wagon, turned Merlin and picked him up, there was a collective gasp as Merlin’s damaged face came into view.

“My boy! What did they do to my boy?” The anguished cry came from Delores the kitchen maid. She made to rush forward but was stopped by the castle castellan, and broke down in sobs.

Silently the rescue party followed Percival carrying Merlin to Gaius’ workshop, Arthur bringing up the rear. Arthur was half way up the stairs when he became aware of the press of people – his people, the castle servants. He stopped and turned to face them. 

Arthur’s eyes ran over the grief stricken faces of the people before him. Most he didn’t know, a few he recognized from passing in the halls, but he couldn’t lay a name to more than a handful. Yet they were gathered here for Merlin. Merlin obviously knew these people and they obviously knew and cared for him. More than a few were crying. Drawing a deep breath, he addressed them.

“Merlin has returned to us, but he’s been badly hurt. He needs your prayers and your good thoughts. Please, return to your duties. I’ll ensure that you’re kept informed of his recovery. And….thank you, for your care, for your friendship with Merlin.”

Arthur turned and headed to Gaius’ chambers. When he arrived, Merlin was laid out on the table and Lancelot was helping to remove his clothing. Percival was off to the side, washing the blood off his arms with a wet cloth. Gwaine was in Merlin’s room looking for fresh clothing.

When Merlin’s shirt was removed, Elyan made quick work of removing the cuffs on his wrists and the collar around his neck, breaking the locks with a large pair of lethal looking pliers. Gaius had to peel the cuffs off Merlin’s slender wrists and when he did, a stench arose from the damaged and infected skin. When the collar came off, Arthur had to bit his lip to prevent a cry of distress. The weight and snugness of the collar had abraded the skin and rubbed it raw. Merlin’s collarbones, which stood out at the best of times, were deeply cut, ragged, torn skin peeling away with the collar. The newly exposed wounds started bleeding and seeping pus.

When the collar was removed, Merlin’s unconscious body immediately arched up, as if a current was passing through it. Gaius held his shoulders down and whispered reassurances. Merlin’s eyes fluttered and a play of the light made it seen as if they glowed golden for a brief moment.

“Lancelot, Gwaine, help me get him into the tub,” Gaius instructed. 

Gaius had obviously made arrangements in preparation before he left to meet them. A bathtub was set next to the fire and two maids were finishing filling it with warm water. From the aroma rising with the steam, healing herbs were obviously mixed in with the water. 

As the maids left, Gaius instructed them to return with food for the knights and the broth he had requested for Merlin.

Lancelot and Gwaine carefully lifted Merlin and carried him to the tub. In a coordinated movement, they gently lowered him into the warm water. A cry of distress escaped from Merlin’s cut and swollen lips when the water settled around his damaged body.

“Gently now, wash away as much of the blood and dirt as you can. Leave his wrists and neck, I’ll see to that.” 

Gaius knelt down next to the two knights and the three men did their best to clean their unconscious friend.

“Arthur.” Gaius looked up at him. “The bottle on the table, with the green potion. Can you bring it here.”

Arthur grabbed the bottle and handed it to Gaius.

“Can you heal him, Gaius?”

Gaius poured the potion into his hand, then softly applied it to the wounds on Merlin’s neck.

“These cuts are deep and badly infected, but they’ll heal. What I don’t know is the internal damage he’s suffered. The fact he’s still bleeding means he has open wounds inside him. There is nothing I can do for that damage. The conditions he was kept in, the lack of cleanliness of his attackers, the brutal way he was used…” Gaius sighed and shook his head. “I’ll give him every remedy I know, but all we really have is hope, and prayers. He’s in such a weakened state, I don’t know if his body has the resources to fight this.”

“Merlin will recover.” It was Lancelot’s quiet, steady voice. His hands soothingly wiped down Merlin’s leg. “He has hidden strengths. He knows we’re with him now, knows he’s safe. We need to believe in him.”

“Merlin is a determined lad.” Gwaine added as he carded warm water through Merlin’s hair. “When he’s determined, he’s a fighter. You know that, Arthur. He’ll come back to us, won’t you my friend?” Gwaine gently cupped Merlin’s face as he wiped away the dried pus from the cut in his hairline.

Arthur watched as the three men bathed his manservant - no, his friend. He desperately wanted to be there with them, helping to bring relief and comfort. But he knew that the best thing he could do was stay away. Even though Merlin was unconscious, Arthur recognized that Merlin’s fear and rejection of him would only unsettle the wounded man.

There was a knock on the door and a page poked his head in.

“Sire, your father requests your immediate presence.”

“Go Arthur. There’s nothing you can do here. Lancelot and Gwaine will help with Merlin. Percival, Elyan. You should go too. Once we’ve administered to Merlin, he’ll need rest and quiet.”

With a final look back at their friend, the three men left. As soon as the door closed, Lancelot looked at Gaius.

“With the collar and cuffs gone, will Merlin’s magic return? Will it help him recover?”

Gaius looked up in alarm, his gaze shooting to Gwaine.

“Relax old man. I’ve know for a while now that our friend here was magic. As Lancelot asks, will it help him recover?”

“When did you find out? Does Merlin know you know?”

“We’ve never spoken about it, but Merlin’s not made much of an effort to hide it from me, so it wasn’t too hard to figure out.” 

Gaius shook his head in disbelief. “Merlin’s lucky to have the two of you as friends. As for his magic, you saw what happened with the collar and cuffs came off?”

Both men nodded.

“His magic has always allowed him to heal faster then normal, but this time – he’s suffered so much damage and his magic has been contained, held back from him for so long, that I can’t say for sure. I know I said we only had hope and prayers, but I’m counting on his magic to do most of the healing.”

When Merlin was as clean as they could manage, the two knights lifted him from the tub while Gaius laid out a drying sheet on the table. Carefully they placed him on the table and patted Merlin dry while Gaius did a full assessment of his wounds. 

He handed Lancelot a pot of lotion to be applied to bruises and closed injuries. He handed Gwaine a soothing mix of honey and oil to be applied to open abrasions. Using a fine knife, Gaius cut away any damaged and diseased skin around Merlin’s wrists, neck and shoulders, then applied a special tincture to sterilize the sores and applied a poultice of healing herbs before binding the wrists and neck in clean linen. Then they dressed Merlin is the soft bed clothing that Gwaine had found, and carried him into his room and settled him in his bed.

While they were settling Merlin in his room, the maids returned with the food. Gaius brought in a mug of broth, and while Lancelot propped Merlin up in his arms, Gwaine slowly spooned the broth into him. Again, he swallowed reflexively rather then from hunger, but at least they got the nutrition into him.

“When you’re finished feeding him, come and have some food yourselves. Then you should return to your duties. I’ll sit with Merlin and let you know if there’s any change to his condition.”

“Gaius – would you mind if we helped? We could take turns sitting with him.” Lancelot asked.

“With the two of us helping to look after him, you could get your rest too,” added Gwaine.

“You don’t have to do this. Arthur will have – “

“Arthur would be here himself if he could,” Gwaine interrupted. “But something happened while Merlin was captive. He can’t stand to be around Arthur. He shies away from him as if he was scared of him. He wouldn’t even look at Arthur.”

“It broke Arthur’s heart to see Merlin like that,” added Lancelot. “I know, if he can’t be here, Arthur would not begrudge us being here for Merlin. He’s our friend, Gaius. Please. Let us help.”

Gaius considered the two knights standing before him. “I said before that Merlin was very lucky to have you as his friends. I think Arthur is very lucky too. Thank you lads, I welcome your help. Together, we’ll get our Merlin back.”


	5. Reconning

Arthur stood at attention while his father stalked up and down, raged around him. His gaze was fixed, unseeing, on the far wall. He had long ago given up listening to the tirade, tuning in every minute or two to keep track of the accusations being hurled in his direction.

“…..blatant disregard for duty and your orders….”

“…..completely unacceptable to mount the knights – the knights for gods sake, to go haring off after a common servant….”

“He’s not a common servant. He’s my manservant,” Arthur broke in and was rewarded by a renewal in the vigor and volume of Uther’s anger.

“….I will not have you running to the beck and call of a servant….”

“….the whole castle is in a bloody uproar – I can’t find a single servant doing their duty…”

Well, that last part was true, thought Arthur. At least judging by the crowd that had greeted their return.

“….you would think this bloody castle revolves around that…that…boy!”

“Are you listening to me, Arthur?” Uther roared.

Arthur came back with a start and automatically answered, “Yes, Father.”

“Now that the boy is back, I fully expect you to return to your full duties and I expect my knights to return to their full duties. And get that boy back to work.”

“Merlin won’t be returning to his duties right away, Father. He’s been hurt.”

“Hurt?”

“Tortured. He’s badly hurt.”

“Tortured? Did he give away any information about Camelot?”

“No! Merlin is loyal Farther – loyal to the end. I suspect that’s why his injuries are as severe as they are. Merlin would never betray m- Camelot.” 

Uther grunted in acknowledgement then resumed his seat at the table. “Well if the boy is of no use due to his injuries, pay him off and have done with him. Find yourself a new servant.”

“I will not abandon Merlin!” It was Arthur’s turn to rage and his father looked at him in surprise. “Merlin is my manservant – the only one I want. He’s more than that. He’s my friend and I will not cast him aside because he’s injured.”

“Friend?” Uther scoffed. “He’s a servant, Arthur, nothing more.”

“Your wrong Father. Camelot – I – could not ask for a more loyal or faithful friend. He is a comrade to the knights, a member of the family to the servants below. I did not abandon him when he was missing, and I will not abandon him now that he is found.”

Uther looked at his son shrewdly. “He means that much to you?”

“He means that much to Camelot. If you opened your eyes to those around you, you would see that.”

Uther’s eyes flared with indignation. “Be very careful son, if you mean to keep this boy with you. You may be his master but I am still the king and I can have him exiled.”

“Then I would go with him.” Arthur answered instantly.

Uther swallowed a gasp of disbelief. He stared at his son, who glared back at him. Finally he nodded.

“Keep the boy- for now. But I expect you back at your full duties. If I see you shirk them in the least for this boy, I will have him dispatched. Do I make myself clear?”

Arthur nodded stiffly. “Yes father.”

Arthur left the council chambers and returned to the physician’s quarters. He found Lancelot and Gwaine sitting at the table with Gaius, eating and deep in discussion. All three looked up with a start as Arthur entered. He looked at Gaius.

“How is he?”

“He’s sleeping, sire. I’ve given him milk of poppy. He’ll sleep for a while. There’s nothing more you can do for him now. You should get some rest yourself, and refreshment. You’re welcome to join us.’ Gaius waved his hand over the bread, meat and cheese that the three men were sharing.

Arthur shook his head. “Can I just check on him before I go?”

Gauis hesitated briefly before nodding. “Don’t wake him. Sleep is what he needs now.”

Arthur nodded and made his way to Merlin’s room. The light of a single candle showed his manservant’s pale, swollen face. Now that the dirt and blood had been properly cleaned off, Arthur could see the damage fully. Merlin had always had a delicate look to him, sharp cheekbones, wide blue eyes, lush full lips. Now the cheekbones were marred by cuts and bruises. One eye was still swollen shut and both were darkly rimmed by bruising, His lips were fuller then ever with swelling and cuts.

Arthur dropped his head and pressed his eyes closed. “I’m so sorry, Merlin. I’m so sorry we didn’t find you sooner,” he whispered.

When Arthur returned to the main room, his eyes were unnaturally bright. He addressed the three men. “My father wants a return to regular duties immediately. For the knights also. Gaius, I’ll come as often as I can, but my father-“

“We’ll all help with his care, Arthur,” Lancelot stopped him. “He’s our friend too. We can take turns being here for him.”

Arthur nodded. “Thank you, Lancelot, Gwaine.”

Arthur left to return to his room. It was only late afternoon but he was bone weary and wanted nothing more than to sleep. Merlin was home and he was safe. He just didn’t want anything to do with Arthur anymore.

***


	6. The Healing Begins

Merlin drifted in and out of conscious for almost two weeks. Some of this was accounted for by his fragile condition, but mostly Gaius controlled his moments of consciousness using Milk of Poppy. He would bring Merlin back to consciousness long enough for someone to feed him, help him to the chamber pot and for Gaius to try and assess both his physical and mental condition. As soon as Merlin became agitated again, Gaius would administer more of the healing potion. Gauis checked the contents of the chamber pot every day growing more and more worried as there continued to be signs of fresh bleeding, meaning Merlin was not healing internally. Finally, on the fifth day, there was less fresh blood, and each day after the blood lessened until on the ninth day, there was no blood in Merlin’s stool. That was the day Gaius started reducing the Poppy potion, knowing Merlin was finally physically healing inside.

Meanwhile, Merlin’s magic thrummed under his skin, stuttering, flaring and dimming, trying to heal him. But the combination of the magic being denied for so long and Merlin’s physical and mental injuries meant that he couldn’t focus long enough to realign his magic. When the magic did flare up, Lancelot and Gwaine would watch in awe as an unconscious Merlin randomly arched up with the static of the magic, or glowed golden – the light seeming to make his body translucent. 

Although they could see the physical cuts and bruises healing remarkably fast, Merlin’s mental state worried both the knights and Gaius. Merlin would often cry out in terror, lost in his nightmares, and even when he was unconscious, he instinctively cringed or fought back if anyone touched him. But most worrisome for the three men, were the silent tears that Merlin shed, his sleeping face shattered with a loss so deep that it broke the heart of whoever was watching over him. All they could do when this happened, was to sit beside him and talk to him, softly, letting him know he was safe and loved.

Arthur came by at least once a day to see Merlin, but after the first few days, he only stopped in to talk to Gaius and get updates from him. Those first few days, whenever he came to Merlin, as soon as Merlin heard his voice, even if he was unconscious, his body tensed and trembled before curling into a protective ball. It was clearly obvious that Arthur’s mere presence greatly upset Merlin. So even though it hurt him deeply to do so, Arthur confined his visits to the outer chamber, where Gaius brought him up-to-date on Merlin’s recovery. Whenever Lancelot or Gwaine emerged from their shift of looking after Merlin, they reported to Arthur immediately. Arthur wanted to know everything – every word, every cry, every sign that Merlin gave. The only thing the knights kept back from him was Merlin’s magic. Both men agreed that it was up to Merlin to tell Arthur about the magic.

 

It was almost two weeks before Merlin was strong enough to get out of bed for any amount of time longer than was necessary to use the chamber pot. He was incredibly weak and the walk from his bed, down the steps to the workbench was enough to exhaust him. He sat down gratefully but carefully. Gwaine, who had dogged his footsteps with outspread arms, ready to catch him should he collapse, sat next to him while Gaius dished up a light lunch. Gwaine pulled out and passed Merlin the soft insides of a chunk of bread to go with his soup. 

The kitchen maids, old warty Delores especially, had taken to cooking up highly nutritious, appetite-inducing broths and simple stews for Merlin, as well as sending him choice bits of cheese and fruit and freshly baked bread that were usually reserved for the king and prince – a fact that Gwaine had soon discovered. Consequently, he managed to arrange his ‘Merlin minding’ schedule to coincide with mealtimes. Merlin rarely had the appetite to eat all the food sent to him, so Gwaine did him the favour of finishing the meal. “Wouldn’t want to insult the cooks by not eating it all, would you?” he reasoned.

Gaius took the seat opposite Merlin, a genial smile on his tired face. It had been a rough two weeks for Merlin, and consequently on Gaius too. Although he was up, the nights of broken sleep could be seen in Merlin’s worn face too.

“Good to see you up, Merlin. How are you feeling?”

Merlin looked up at the physician with a guarded expression. A small smile that never reached his eyes, quirked his lips, and he shrugged in dismissal. Gaius could see his eyes were still haunted. 

“I’m sorry about the nightmares,” Merlin said softly. “I don’t mean to keep you awake.”

As with previous nights, last night Merlin had woken up from his nightmares in a panic, gasping and crying out. It had been Lancelot’s turn to stay with him, sleeping on a mat on the floor, and it had been Lancelot who had soothed him until the tremors stopped and his frantic breaths and heartbeats had calmed. It had been Lancelot’s calm, soothing voice that had lulled him back to sleep.

After looking carefully at Merlin, assessing him with a physician’s eye, Gaius spoke up. “Merlin, perhaps you should talk about what-“

“NO!” Merlin shook his head emphatically. “No, no I don’t want to talk about it, about any of it. I just want to forget.” He looked back down at his soup, not seeing the meal, lost once again in memories.

“Merlin, perhaps talking about it will help you heal,” Gwaine said gently, his hand reaching out to rest on Merlin’s slender shoulder. “You need to let us help you, my friend.”

Merlin shook his head. “No” he whispered. “I just need to forget.”

Gaius and Gwaine exchanged glances of worry and frustration.

“I’m getting better now,” Merlin said quietly. “My magic…” Merlin slid a sidelong glance at Gwaine, but he knew that Gwaine knew he had magic. “My magic will help now. I’ve got it back under control.”

“Merlin, your magic may heal your body, but it’s not going to help your mind.” Gaius pointed out. “You need to talk to somebody about your nightmares.”

“They're not nightmares. They’re memories.” Merlin’s voice was so soft Gaius and Gwaine almost didn’t hear him.

“Then that’s even more reason to talk. It doesn’t have to be me, Merlin. It can be Lancelot or Gwaine here. We can send for your mother if you need her – “

“No. Not mother. I don’t want her to see me like this. Promise me you won’t send for her.” Merlin looked at Gaius with pleading eyes.

“Alright, I won’t send for her. But you need to talk to someone.”

“Can I make a suggestion?” Gwaine asked. “Whenever any of the knights are troubled, we go to Sir Meriden. He’s retired now, but in his days he saw plenty of battles, wars. He’s witnessed what terrible things one man can do to another. There’s never been anything that any of us have talked about that has shocked him. And he’s always helped us. He listens without judgment. He helps us to accept what we’ve been through, and he gives us ways to heal ourselves. Let me ask him to come to you, Merlin. You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want. There’s just something very healing, very calming about him. If nothing else, he might help to sooth your fears.”

Merlin was silent for a long time. He chewed his bottom lip while he stared sightlessly at the table. Gaius and Gwaine could almost hear him thinking. They saw tears glaze Merlin’s eyes before he blinked them away. Finally he looked up at Gwaine. “I don’t have to talk if I don’t want to?”

“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” Gwaine confirmed. “Just let Sir Meriden come and sit with you awhile. Sometimes he talks and it’s helpful just to listen.”

Merlin thought some more then finally nodded his consent.

“Good lad.” Gwaine smiled at him. Gaius sighed in relief. “I’ll ask Sir Meriden to come and see you tomorrow.”


	7. The Road to Recovery

Sir Meriden had been a senior knight under Uther before retiring from fighting. Because of his long and varied experiences, the other knights had taken to seeking him out for advice and comfort. Gradually, Sir Meriden had settled into the role of unofficial counselor to the knights. He kept watch over them and knew when one of them was in trouble. If the troubled knight didn’t come to him, Sir Meriden managed to conveniently bump into them, engage them in conversation and in that way draw them into getting help. All the knights knew that whatever happened with Sir Meriden, it would never leave the confines of his private room. This included confessions, sorrow, ranting, breakdowns and tears. Sir Meriden was a safety valve and even Arthur had used him, especially when he had to carry out some of the crueler duties that Uther assigned him.

Gaius was writing in his potions book when there was a knock on the door and Sir Meriden entered. Gaius looked up with a smile at his friend. Meriden was the epitome of everyone’s grandfather. Round of figure and face, he had white hair and beard and the calmest expression of anyone Gaius had ever met. Meriden exuded such peace and comfort, it was no wonder the knights sought him out when they were troubled.

“Meriden! Welcome, welcome. Thank you for taking the time to see Merlin.”

The two old men exchanged a brief hug before Gaius led the old knight over to the bench. “Have some wine. I’d like to talk to you before you see Merlin.”

Meriden accepted the goblet with a smile. “I’m glad you asked me to come. I’ve been keeping track of Merlin’s recovery.” At Gaius’ look of surprise, Meriden shrugged. “The two lads who are helping you – Lancelot and Gwaine, they’ve been to see me. As have the other knights who went on his recovery mission. Merlin's rescue was hard on them all. But the two lads, it’s been hard on them watching over Merlin and not being able to do anything for him. They worry that Merlin won’t even accept the comfort of a soothing hand on his brow, or allow anyone to touch him.”

Gaius nodded. “He barely allows them to help him with his toilet. He only accepted it because he was too weak to hold himself up. I hope you can help him, Meriden. Merlin is like my own son and it grieves me greatly to see how damaged his mind is. Whatever he’s endured is causing him so much pain. His memories cause him so much terror, but I think he has an equal terror of talking about it. It’s as if he’s ashamed of himself, as if he’s hiding some terrible secret about what happened to him.”

“He’s been tortured and they’ve obviously broken his spirit.” Meriden glanced over at the closed door to Merlin’s room. “Everyone has something, some one thing that is core to their belief in themselves. It’s the one thing that you cling on to when you’ve reached the darkest depths, the one thing that will save you, give you hope, give you courage, give you faith that you can survive. Whatever Merlin’s one thing was, they found it and they destroyed it. We have to find a way to show him that even without it, his one core belief, even without that, he’s still Merlin. He’s still worth being alive. That’s the terror he’s hiding, that’s he’s betrayed himself, betrayed that core belief.”

Sir Meriden stood up, finished the goblet of wine and nodded his thanks. “I’ll sit with the boy for awhile. Is it possible for you to leave us alone for a bit? Perhaps lock the door so no one interrupts us?”

“Of course. I’ve some errands to run and a few patients to check up on. I’ll lock up after myself and put a note on the door. Thank you Meriden. Help him, please.”

“I’ll do my best, Gaius. I’ll do my best.”

Sir Meriden knocked softly on Merlin’s door. “Merlin lad, it’s Sir Meriden. Gwaine asked me to come and visit you. Can I come in?”

There was a murmured assent and Sir Meriden entered Merlin’s room, closing the door behind him.

 

Meriden visited Merlin every day. Some days the visits were short and filled with silence. Some days Gaius heard muffled voices – sometimes Merlin’s, sometimes Meriden’s. On those days, Gaius always left them alone, closing the physician’s quarters and leaving a note on the door not to be disturbed.

 

It was the following week when Gaius was startled to see Merlin emerge from his room wearing his jacket.

“Merlin? Are you going somewhere?” Merlin had not left the physician’s chamber since his return.

“Sir Meriden is coming. He thinks we should walk in the gardens for awhile.”

“The gardens?” Gaius was even more startled. One of the reasons Merlin had not left these rooms was his aversion to seeing anyone. Merlin, who had been so open and friendly with everyone, was now ashamed to be seen. Lancelot and Gwaine had to coax him into allowing Leon, Elyan and Percival in to visit, and even then, Merlin never looked the men in the eye, keeping his head bowed the whole time. Arthur’s visits would close Merlin down completely, and he would escape to his room and a closed door as fast as possible. Meriden must be working miracles if Merlin was voluntarily going out to the gardens.

“Sir Meriden says that I can’t hide here for the rest of my life,” Merlin shrugged. “He said he’ll stay by my side, that I can come back in anytime I feel uncomfortable.”

Gaius smiled at him. “Well, I’m glad you’re getting out into the fresh air. It will do you a world of good. If you happen to wander by the herb garden, could you pick me a few stems of lavender? I’m running a bit low.”

The door opened and Sir Meriden entered. “Ah Merlin, you’re ready I see. Well, come along lad. It’s a beautiful day outside. Let’s get some colour back in your cheeks.” Sir Meriden winked at Gaius as he ushered Merlin out the door.

Sir Meriden kept up a constant patter as he and Merlin walked through the castle and out to the garden. Despite his casual air, Meriden kept a sharp eye on Merlin, noting his moments of hesitation before entering corridors, his constantly seeking eyes looking around to see if anyone was approaching. But the corridors were unusually empty as they made their way to the garden. Meriden had enlisted the help of the knights to clear the route, ensuring that they knew that they too had to stay out of sight. 

Once they reached the enclosed gardens, Merlin seemed to relax a bit. There was only one person working in this garden, the old gardener who was at the other end, pruning roses. Meriden lead Merlin on a casual stroll around the garden while they talked, then directed him to a nearby bench.

They were sitting on the bench talking when Merlin suddenly stiffened and stopped talking, his eyes riveted to a figure in the distance. Meriden knew who it was. He had asked Arthur to pass by that particular pathway at that particular time.

“What is it, Merlin?” Meriden asked.

Merlin dropped his gaze and shook his head. “Nothing.”

Meriden made an obvious motion of looking up at Arthur, who was now stopped and chatting with Percival. “You’ve not forgiven him, then?” Meriden asked casually.

Merlin stiffened again. “I…he….there’s nothing to forgive.”

“Then why are you punishing him?”

Merlin shook his head. “I’m not punishing him. I barely see him.”

“And you don’t think that’s a punishment? Before your disappearance, you and Arthur were inseparable. Now you barely see him. Gaius says you refuse to see him, to talk to him.”

Merlin curled in on himself. “I have nothing to say to him.”

“Ah now, that, I think, is a lie.”

Merlin’s gaze flew to Meriden’s face. “You’re hiding from him Merlin because you’re angry with him. You blame him for what happened to you, for not coming to rescue you sooner.”

Merlin bit his lip and turned his head aside.

“You’ve not once asked Lancelot or Gwaine about those months when you were missing. Did you know that Arthur almost died in the attack in which you were taken?”

Meriden heard Merlin’s indrawn breath. “Arthur lay in the forest, gravely injured for hours before a patrol found him. When he was returned, unconscious, Gaius was very afraid that he would die. It was days before Arthur regained consciousness and when he did, he was frantic with worry about you. Gaius had to drug him to keep him in bed long enough to begin healing. Even with that, he left his sickbed and joined in the hunt for you far earlier than was wise.”

Beside him, Meriden felt Merlin trembling. “The knights, they knew how Arthur would react to your absence. Leon organized search parties while Arthur was still unconscious. They never stopped looking for you, Merlin. Arthur and the knights followed every lead, every rumour trying to find you. Uther was furious of course but for once he was powerless because not only was his son disobeying him, but also his knights”

Beside him, Meriden saw a silent tear track down Merlin’s face. “Arthur had some terrible rows with the king but he refused to back down, refuse to abandon the search. And so did the knights. What made it even worse for Arthur was finding out that the attack wasn’t against him. The attack was specifically to capture you, Merlin. Arthur was driven by guilt that he’d not protected you. That he hadn’t saved you from being taken. He punished himself all the time you were missing. And now you’re punishing him by blaming him.”

Beside him, Merlin let out a stifled sob. “You’ll never heal Merlin, until you forgive him, until you stop blaming him. He didn’t do this to you. Bad people did this to you. He rescued you from them. It’s time to stop punishing him, and punishing yourself.”

Merlin buried his head in his hands, crying openly. “You don’t know….you don’t know….” He sobbed wretchedly.

“Then tell me, lad.” Meriden put his arm around the sobbing boy and pulled him into a comforting hug, the first time Merlin allowed anyone to touch him so completely. “Tell me what happened. Tell me why you are so ashamed.”

And finally, finally, Merlin talked. They had talked before about the torture Merlin had endured. But this was the secret, the breaking point. Meriden was wise and experienced enough not to react to what Merlin was telling him. He absorbed the tale as he absorbed the tears and he forgave Merlin for his broken faith.

 

It was a long time later before Merlin and Sir Meriden returned back to the physician’s rooms. Merlin was utterly spent and retreated immediately to his room. Sir Meriden had listened a long time, and had forgiven him. In exchange, he asked Merlin to forgive Arthur.

 

Sir Merliden sat down heavily at Gaius workbench and reached for the wine, finishing off a full goblet in one go before refilling the cup. Gaius watched him silently.

“The lad, he’s carrying a very heavy burden in his heart.” Meriden broke the silence. “He’s seeking forgiveness for something he can’t speak about. But he did speak to me. He did tell me.” Meriden speared Gaius with a searing look. “He needs forgiveness. Don’t ask him for what. He’ll tell you, or he won’t, when he’s ready. But for now, you need to give him forgiveness as well as comfort. Let him know he didn’t do anything wrong, that none of this is his fault. Don’t press him to talk, he will in his own time, when he’s finally come to terms with it all. Now the best thing you can do for Merlin, is to let him know you believe in him, in the goodness of him and that anything can be forgiven.”

Gaius nodded thoughtfully. “Was it….what Merlin is anguished over, was it so very bad?”

“For Merlin, it was the ultimate betrayal to himself, and his ultimate loss.”

Gaius sighed heavily. “I’ll do what you say. Merlin is like a son to me and there is nothing he could do that would change my love for him. I’ll make sure he knows it.”

Meriden reached out and patted Gaius hand. “Merlin is lucky to have a caring father like you, Gaius. Now, I must be going. Merlin has hidden himself away for long enough. I need to make some arrangements, and then we are going to reintroduce him to normal castle life.”


	8. A Walk in the Garden

Sir Meriden enlisted the aid of Arthur and the knights, in speeding the return to normal of Merlin, coaching them on behaviour and conversational topics. A few discrete meetings with key castle staff and word was spread throughout the castle of Merlin’s fragile state and what was needed for his recovery. The knights helped with coaching the staff on how to approach Merlin.

Meanwhile, Sir Meriden cajoled, badgered, teased and sometimes forced Merlin to go on twice daily walks around the castle and grounds. At first terrified of meeting anyone, Merlin began to relax as he saw that the servants would smile and nod at him, open and friendly, but not force him into conversation. Old warty Delores, the kitchen maid, beamed at Merlin when he passed by the kitchen and thrust a freshly baked roll into his hand, giving him a wink of conspiracy. She was rewarded by Merlin’s first shy grin of acknowledgement to any of them.

On the third day, the knights started taking over Merlin’s walks and Merlin was brought up to date on all the castle gossip and various knightly complaints. On the seventh day, Arthur joined in the walks, along with a knight as a buffer. Merlin was doing his best not to reject Arthur and having another knight present – usually Lancelot or Gwaine, helped.

After two weeks, Sir Meriden allowed Arthur to accompany Merlin without another knight present. The first few times were tense, but gradually Merlin accepted this new arrangement. Arthur preferred walking in the gardens rather than roaming the castle corridors “Less chance of running into the king, this way.” Merlin always hesitated for a moment before nodding in agreement and joining Arthur. 

And so started the daily walks with Prince and Manservant. If the weather was bad, they walked the galleries. When the weather was good, they always walked in the gardens. While they walked, Arthur kept up a patter of chatter and castle gossip. He told Merlin what he was working on, the progress and doings of the knights, what the castle was gossiping about this day. Merlin rarely spoke, and then in monosyllables. His gaze wandered his surroundings but rarely fell on Arthur. Still Arthur persisted, trying to draw his friend back into the fold, back to the going-on of his daily routine before he was captured.

 

Today would mark a full week since Merlin had agreed to walks with Arthur alone, just the two of them.

“Take your jacket, Merlin,” Gaius called to him and Merlin went into his room to get his old worn brown jacket.

“Watch him closely, Arthur,” Gaius whispered once Merlin was out of earshot. “He had another nightmare last night. Don’t let him become too fatigued. If he wants to rest, let him rest.”

“You said his nightmares were starting to go away” Arthur frowned at Gaius.

“They are. There are some nights when he sleeps the whole night through. But last night….well, he’s a bit fragile today. Just watch out for him.”

“I always do,” Arthur’s gaze went to Merlin’s door and he watched his manservant walk down the steps. “I always do.”

 

They were walking in the rose garden while Arthur complained about the recent joke that George had subjected him to, when Merlin stumbled on a paving stone. Reflexively, Arthur reached out and grabbed him to prevent him falling. 

Merlin reacted instantly in blind panic. With a strangled scream, he flailed in Arthur’s hold, scrambling to pull away, pulling himself even more off-balance, forcing Arthur to hold him tighter.

“Merlin, calm down. It’s me, it’s Arthur – Merlin, I’m Arthur, calm down, it’s just me, Arthur.”

Somehow this seemed to make Merlin panic even more and he began to pound Arthur with flying fists.

“No! no more, leave me alone, no more, please, leave me alone…” Merlin begged, sobbing.

Arthur couldn’t let go because Merlin would have fallen. He just hung on, trying to right his panicked friend, trying to reassure him. With a sudden burst of strength, Merlin broke free of Arthur’s hold and stumbled backward, falling on the path. He scrambled backward, terror written all over his face.

“Sire, please, maybe I could help.” Arthur turned at the voice and saw the old gardener come up beside him. At Arthur’s helpless nod, the old man went to Merlin, kneeling down beside him.

“Merlin, lad. It’s old Ambrose. You remember me lad, don’t you? It’s just old Ambrose the gardener.” The old man reached out slowly and cupped Merlin’s face, turning it to look at him. He smiled gently at the panicked man. “There you go, lad. It’s just me, old Ambrose, you remember me, don’t you?”

Merlin looked lost for an instant before slumping into Ambrose’s arms, clinging to him with renewed sobs. Ambrose closed his arms protectively around the weeping man and began to rock him.

“Ah laddie, shhh now, it will be alright. No one’s going to harm you anymore. Shhhh now, laddie. You’re safe now, you’re safe now.”

As Arthur looked on, he had never felt more helpless. Merlin was terrified of him. Still, after all these weeks. Ambrose looked up at his prince.

“Sire, perhaps if you could get Gaius?”

Arthur nodded, turned and ran to get the physician.

 

Merlin was sleeping fitfully after Gaius gave him a draught of milk of poppies. Arthur sat in the chair beside his bed trying to understand Merlin’s terror. He didn’t act like this with any of the knights. Only with him. What had Arthur done that so terrified his servant?

There was a light knock on the door and it opened to show Ambrose the gardener, bearing a bunch of flowers and greens.

“Oh, Sire. Sorry to interrupt. I’ll come back later.”

“No, please.” Arthur stood and indicated that the gardener should enter. “I was going to seek you out later. To thank you for helping Merlin. It was very kind of you.”

“Merlin’s my friend, sire. It was no kindness to help. I’ve brought these for the lad. Healing herbs from the garden.” The gardener moved to put the greenery in a pot on Merlin’s small table. 

Arthur recognized many of the plants in the bouquet. “Those are the some of the plants that you send to my room whenever I’m injured or unwell.” 

The gardener looked puzzled for a moment before smiling. “Ah, that would be our Merlin here who gathered those for you. The lad knows a thing or two about healing herbs.”

“Merlin brought the herbs?”

The gardener nodded. “I always knew you were hurt whenever I saw Merlin gathering a bouquet of herbs. It got so I could tell what kind of injury you had by the herbs he gathered.” The gardener pointed to the bouquet. “This one is lavender – good for inducing healing sleep. This is Angelica for protection, this is Cocklebur, good for all ills. This one is Balm to help with anxiety, this one is Masterwort to drive off the evil spirits that are haunting our Merlin. This is Valerian, also a heal-all. And this one is Live-forever, to give our lad back his strength. And I’ve popped in a few of his favourite roses to cheer him.”

He turned to Arthur. “Nothing here for broken bones or stubborn pride.”

“What?”

The gardener smothered a grin. “Merlin was always on the lookout for a healing herb to dissolve stubborn pride and pig-headedness. He only ever looked for that when he was gathering herbs for your healing bouquets.”

Arthur reared back, his dignity affronted before he saw the glimmer in the gardener’s eye. Then he had the grace to grimace at himself. He held out his hand to the gardener and shook the man’s hand.

“Thank you…Ambrose is it? Thank you for your help. I’m sure Merlin will appreciate the herbs and benefit from their powers.”

Ambrose shuffled to the door but paused before leaving. He turned back to Arthur. “Sire, if it is not too forward of me to speak…”

“Go ahead.”

“What happened in the garden. Merlin was terrified of you, as if you’ve done him some grievous harm. I know you would never hurt the lad. But it’s troubling, is it not?”

Arthur nodded. “We don’t know why Merlin’s acting like this. He’s not told us much about his time in captivity. But I can assure you that I have never harmed Merlin and I never would.”

“The way he reacted to your touch. Could it be that his captors did something to his mind – to turn him against you perhaps?”

Arthur frowned. “Why capture him for that? He’s just my manservant.”

“Ah, Sire. We all know he’s much more than that.”

“What?”

“Well, we see things. The servants I mean. You lords never notice our presence, so we see things. And we’ve all see how you regard the boy, how he’s your friend and confidant. He’s more than just your manservant. And Merlin, well, he’s your biggest supporter. Everyone downstairs knows that while Merlin might grumble and complain about you, the rest of us had better not say a word against you else we feel his wrath.”

Arthur huffed out a laugh. “Merlin doesn’t have ‘wrath’, he’s one of the most even tempered people I know.”

“Oh the lad has a temper on him if pushed – make no mistake about that. And the one thing guaranteed to push him is if he hears insult or a bad word against his prince. That’s why it’s so strange to see him like this – terrified of you. It’s not natural. He’d be the last person to turn against you.”

Arthur ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know, Ambrose. I have no answers. None of us do. Merlin is the only one who knows what he’s endured and we won’t have answers until he’ll talk to us. But I swear to you, I have never hurt him. Whatever he’s reacting to, I didn’t do it. I would never hurt Merlin.”

Ambrose considered the prince carefully then nodded. “Take good care of our lad, sire. He’s an important part of this castle. A lot of people look forward to his cheery self each day. It would be nice to have the lad back with us.”

Arthur nodded. “He’s getting the best of care, Ambrose. I promise you that.”


	9. Breaking down the Barriers

Merlin woke with a start to find Gaius sitting beside his bed, wiping his brow with a cool cloth.

“It’s ok Merlin, you’re safe now” he soothed “I heard you cry out”

Merlin looked around, disoriented. “What time is it?”

“Well into the night. You had another nightmare.”

“I’m sorry I woke you, Gaius. I try not to dream, but they keep coming back….then I realize they’re not dreams but memories.” Merlin shuddered. “I can’t stop remembering.”

“Do you want to talk about it? Something’s happened, hasn’t it? Your nightmares were going away, now they’re back. And today in the garden with Arthur.” Gaius sighed and took Merlin’s hand. “I have all the time in the world for you Merlin, anytime you want to talk, I’ll be here to listen.”

“I can’t tell you, Gaius, I can’t,” Merlin turned his head away to hide his face. His fingers clawed at the blanket, twisting it into tight knots.

“Merlin, there’s nothing you can tell me that will change my love for you.”

“I can’t tell you this. You’ll…you’ll hate me.” Merlin whispered, keeping his face hidden.

“Merlin, look at me” Gaius reached out and turned Merlin’s face. Merlin kept his eyes downcast “Merlin, you are the most important person in the world to me. You are like a son to me. There is nothing you can say that will ever change that. I love you my boy, and I will always believe in you.”

Merlin raised his eyes and Gaius saw a world of haunted shame and sorrow. Merlin’s blue eyes swam with unshed tears until a single tear escaped to rolled down his cheek. Gaius pulled Merlin into his arms and soothed him like a small child. “It will be all right, my boy.”

Merlin pulled out of the embrace, pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them. Then buried his face in his arms. Gaius waited patiently, knowing he couldn’t push him. Gradually, Merlin started whispering, so softly that Gaius had to strain to here him. The tale he told of his abuse chilled Gaius to the core of his being. 

When he was finished, Merlin raised his head and his face was soaked with tears of helplessness. He looked at Gaius, cringing like a dog waiting to be kicked. Gaius didn’t know that his own face was wet with tears. He reached out and pulled Merlin into a hard hug.

“My poor boy. My poor boy,” was all he said, but he held on to Merlin as tightly as Merlin clung to him.

“I’m sorry Gaius,” Merlin mumbled into his shoulder.

Gaius pulled back and took Merlin’s face between his hands. His eyes bored into Merlin’s with determination and conviction.

“You listen to me Merlin! You have nothing to be sorry for! This was not your fault! What happened to you were the deeds of misguided, evil men. They are solely to blame for this. None of this is your fault – do you understand? None of this is your fault!”

Merlin’s mouth worked, but no words came out. Words trembled on his lips, words he dared not speak. His eyes looked up at Gaius, begging for release.

“What is it Merlin?” Gaius asked softly “There’s something more you’re not telling me”

Merlin’s hand curled in front of his lips as he choked back a sob of anguish and nodded. He looked away, unable to meet Gaius eyes as he shook his head over and over, denying himself the words he so desperately needed to say.

“Please Merlin, you need to say whatever it is you’re hiding.”

Merlin lay down, his body curling into its protective ball. His whole body shook with tremors as he told his final anguished tale, the final indignity that had broken his spirit.

Gaius stroked Merlin’s hair throughout the telling, and he understood why this had been Merlin’s breaking point. For Merlin, it was the ultimate betrayal.

“What do I do, Gaius?” Merlin asked, broken-hearted. 

“You have to tell Arthur.”

“NO!” Merlin rejected the idea.

“You must Merlin. Arthur will understand.”

Merlin continued shaking his head in denial.

“Merlin, Arthur is suffering too. You don’t know what he’s been through, looking for you.”

Merlin glanced fearfully up at Gaius.

“In the attack where you were taken, Arthur was very badly hurt. When Arthur finally woke up and discovered you were missing, he went crazy. He was frantic to find you and wanted to go out himself to look for you, but he was in no condition. I had to give him sleeping drafts to keep him in bed long enough to recover. Even then, he joined the search far too soon and it was only sheer willpower that kept him going. Uther forbid him from searching for you and tried to keep him under guard, but Arthur kept finding a way out of the palace to keep on searching. He disobeyed his father for you, Merlin. Nothing mattered to him except to find you. We didn’t even know if you were still alive, but Arthur insisted you were. Said he would know if you were dead. Give him a chance, Merlin. You’ve pushed him away and you’re punishing both him and yourself. Trust him Merlin, please. He’ll understand, and he needs to know what happened.”

“He’ll hate me”

“He won’t hate you. You’re his closest friend, Merlin, sometimes more like a brother then a friend. Arthur risked an awful lot to find you. Now you need to trust that he’ll understand and accept. And he will forgive you.” Gaius covered Merlin with the blanket as he stood up. “I’ll leave you to rest now, but please think about it Merlin. You need to give your trust to Arthur again. He’ll not betray you.”

Merlin looked up at Gaius “You really think he’ll understand? He won’t hate me?”

“He’ll understand Merlin. I really believe that. Now get some rest, there’s still a few hours of the night left.”

Gaius left the candle burning, Merlin was terrified of sleeping in the dark since his return.


	10. The Confession

The next morning, as he had done every morning since their return, Arthur stopped by Gaius’ workshop.

“How is he? Did he sleep?” he asked as he stood in the doorway.

“He had another nightmare, I’m afraid. But we made a breakthrough last night. Come and sit, Arthur.” As Arthur took a seat on the bench, Gaius continued. “He finally told me what happened to him during those months.” Gaius shook his head “The things my poor boy has been through…” he whispered.

There was a long pause as both men considered their friend’s torment. Finally, Gaius cleared his throat.

“Arthur, there’s something Merlin has to tell you. It’s tormenting him greatly, but…”

“What is it Gaius?”

“I can’t be the one to tell you. It has to be Merlin himself. When he does, you need to be understanding. You need to remember what he’s gone through, and why this broke him. He needs your forgiveness.”

Arthur looked puzzled and a bit frightened “What could be so bad that..”

He heard the latch on Merlin’s door open, and both he and Gaius watched as Merlin stepped tentatively out of the room. He remained on the step as he looked at Arthur.

Arthur swallowed the lump in his throat as he noted how Merlin’s nightshirt hung on his still skeletal frame.

Merlin looked to Gaius for reassurance and Gaius nodded his approval.

“Arthur…” Merlin voice shook and he trembled visibly. “Arthur, can we talk?”

Arthur nodded, and followed Merlin into his room. When the door closed behind the two men, Gaius got up and prepared a jug of herbed wine. When this was over, they would both need the strength that the wine offered, and the calming and healing herbs that were in it.

 

Arthur concentrated on calming his breaths as Merlin spoke of his two months in captivity. Merlin was once again sitting on his bed, arms curled around raised knees. He stared intently at a mark in the blanket as he spoke in a soft, wavering voice. Arthur sat in the chair beside the bed, arms resting on his knees as he stared at the floor, listening. At the end of the tale, there was silence, as each man underwent their own struggle. Merlin cleared his throat several times and Arthur knew that whatever Merlin was about to say was what Gaius had warned him about.

When Merlin final began speaking again, his voice was the faintest of whispers, but what he said sounded like thunder in Arthur’s ears.

“When…when they first started to…hurt….me…” Merlin looked up at Arthur, his eyes begging him to understand what he meant by ‘hurt’. Arthur nodded his understanding. Merlin dropped his eyes and continued. “When they first started, I was so scared, and they….hurt me…so badly.” Merlin shook his head in denial. “I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help it. They kept coming back and when they wouldn’t stop…I… I called out for you. I just wanted you to rescue me, so I called out your name, and I kept calling for you. They laughed at me. And then, whenever they came back, whenever they….hurt…me again, they would say ‘Just pretend I’m Arthur’ or ‘I’m Arthur, why don’t you call out for me some more?’ And they wouldn’t stop saying that. They kept saying ‘I’m Arthur, pretend I’m Arthur.”

Merlin took a deep shuddering breath. “After a while, all I could hear when they came near me, was your name…. and….and… they became you. They became you, hurting me.” Merlin’s voice broke. “You were supposed to rescue me, but you were hurting me and you wouldn’t stop.” 

He broke down sobbing, shaking his head. “I didn’t have anyone to believe in anymore. They took you away from me and left me with nothing. I was so scared. And so alone. And I knew I was going to die with nothing left inside of me.”

With a sob of anguish and tears pouring down his face, Arthur reached for Merlin, and the two men clung together, holding on for dear life. 

“I would never….” Arthur fought to control his emotions. “I would never hurt you like that, Merlin. I would never do that to you.” Arthur stroked Merlin hair, trying to calm his friend. He pressed his lips to his hair, and held him tight. “I will never, ever, hurt you like that. And I will never abandon you, I promise. You are too important to me, Merlin.” Arthur gave a tear drenched laugh “How could you possibly be alone when you live in my heart? You are part of me – the two of us together.” 

“I feel so ashamed. What they did, I couldn’t stop them, I couldn’t stop you…”

“It wasn’t me, Merlin. It wasn’t me. I would never hurt you like that. And I will never abandon you. Ever.”

“They took you from me. They made me hate you. I’m so sorry, Arthur, I’m so sorry.” Merlin burst into a fresh bout of tears.

“Stop, Merlin. Stop crying. You have nothing to be sorry about. I forgive you. I forgive you. I don’t for a second believe you actually hate me. You’re my friend, my closest friend, and I have missed you so much these past months.” Arthur took a deep, shuddering breath. “God, Merlin, sometimes, you can be such an idiot”.

Merlin let out a snort through his tears, his face still buried in Arthur’s shoulder “Least I’m not a clotpole.” he muttered, and startled a laugh out of Arthur. It took a few minutes for Merlin to join in. 

Arthur gave Merlin one last hug, then leaned back to look at his friends face. He gently reached out to wipe away Merlin’s tears. “That’s better,” he said as Merlin smiled shyly up at him. “I’ve missed you Merlin. I’m glad you’re back.”

“I’ve missed you too, Arthur.” 

Arthur nodded, then looked at Merlin with calculation in his eyes. “You do realize that my armor is a complete mess, and I can’t find anything in my chambers – I have no idea where your replacement puts things. I’m pretty sure my laundry hasn’t been done since you went missing, and my bed has developed a distinctive and unpleasant odor.”

Merlin looked startled for a moment before suddenly flopping back on the bed and assuming an air of frailty and illness. “Sorry Arthur,” he coughed pathetically, “Still too weak and ill, I’m afraid. You’ll have to find someone else to do your chores.”

There was a moment’s pause then two men burst into laughter, this time a joyous one of friends sharing a joke. The door opened and Gaius came in with a pitcher and glasses. The two faces that turned to him both bore the strains of the past hour, but also the smiles of healing and reconnection.

“You both look like you could do with a drink,” he said as he poured out three glasses of wine. Then he held his glass up for a toast “To lost friends who are found, and to friendship and love that never gives up”. The three men took a big draft of their wine. 

Arthur and Merlin immediately and forcefully spit it out again.

“God, that is awful!”

“What the hell did you put in that?”

“What?” Gaius looked shocked and offended “I’ll have you know that this is one of my finest, homemade wines!”

The laughter that erupted could be heard all the way down the stairs, and into the hall.


End file.
